Good Vibes Only: The Downside of Toxic Positivity
Toxic Positivity is something that a lot of us in the chronic illness community come across. Something has happened to your body and it can be so confusing—especially if you’re a high achiever and someone who puts other people first in your life. You’re forced to think about body’s needs, sometimes for the first time. You’ve put everyone else’s needs before your own and now your body is letting you know that this is not okay.
Not taking care of yourself or managing your stress levels may or may not have contributed to your health, but it’s not helping you now.
Once you get dealt the blow of a diagnosis, it can be devastating. And then… here come the well-wishers. Many of them will have kind and encouraging things to say. But inevitably there will be a few spouting some “toxic positivity”. They will tell you that there’s “a reason this happened” or “it’s not that big of a deal”. They will tell you to “just be grateful for what you have”. Now I don’t really fault these people. They are spouting what society has told them is important. But, they are giving platitudes that are incredibly unhelpful in your situation.
This can be challenging, but the biggest problem is when we hold these toxic positivity beliefs in our own minds and use them against ourselves.
So what exactly is Toxic Positivity?
Verywellmind says that “Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.”
UW Medicine says: “Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with negative emotions. It is often well-intentioned but can cause alienation and a feeling of disconnection.”
For me, toxic positivity is believing that we shouldn’t have to feel negative emotions or that it’s bad to feel negatively.
When you got sick with your chronic illness, you probably didn’t feel happy about it. It can be uncomfortable to live in a body with extreme exhaustion, physical pain, and nausea, among other symptoms.
You don’t need to feel happy about that.
You don’t need to feel grateful for it.
Toxic positivity is that belief that it’s not ok to express that discomfort, disappointment, and grief. It’s putting on the smiling face for everyone outside to see and then falling apart silently behind closed doors with only sharing this part of yourself with the closest around you.
So I’m going to give you 3 ways to dispel toxic positivity in your life
- Check in with your body.
Are you resisting feeling a certain way because of how terrible it feels and how worried you are about feeling this way? You might be having some toxic positive thoughts. It might be something like: I should just be grateful. Other people hae it worse than me. This is not that bad, what’s wrong with me? You’ll especially know you’re resisting feeling these emotions if you find yourself feeling like you want to blow up, but you just don’t know why. You also might be turning to other things to help make yourself feel better- like eating unhealthy food or scrolling through social media-anything to avoid feeling how bad this feels. You may not know why you feel so bad. It’s because you have emotions, created by your thinking, that are not being allowed to be present in your body. You’re pushing them away because you think they are negative.
So, instead, we’re going to drop into our bodies. The easiest and fastest way I know, is to pause and slow down your breath. Get clear with the message your body is trying to tell you. Is your body asking you something? Is your body telling you something? Have a loving negotiation session with your body and send her messages of safety. Let her know that it’s safe to feel the way that she is feeling.
2. Coach yourself.
Sit down with a journal and write out everything that is going through your brain. Many coaches call this a brain dump. As you brain dump this information out, check to see what thoughts are creating the feelings in my body. If you have a thought that brings you uncomfortable emotions, lean into those emotions and make friends with them. We get into trouble when we think that we don’t need to feel negative emotions-or how we’re back again to toxic positivity- that belief that “no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset”.
3. Stop arguing with the past.
The past is past and there’s nothing we can do about it but decide how we will think about the past in our present. As Byron Katie puts it, If you argue with reality you’ll lose, but only every time”. It’s us not being willing to deal with what’s happened in the past and the conclusions we’ve drawn about ourselves from it that keeps us suffering. It wasn’t until I was able to allow myself to accept that I did get a transplant, but that it didn’t mean that I had failed, that I was able to feel peace.
The next time you see Toxic Positivity in your life, don’t be mad at it. Just allow it to show you where you’ve got some growth and learning to do. Because when you learn to accept all the experiences in your life, and don’t fight against the negative ones, is when you get to enjoy the full breadth of this thing we call life.
P.S. If your January resolutions have fizzled out already, or worse yet- you chose not to set any, you’re going to want to check this out. In my program I teach you not only how to start putting yourself first, I show you exactly how to do it while ditching the guilt. My clients learn how to love their bodies and get in the best health of their lives, given their medical circumstances. Come join us too!